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She does not love everything about him
by Fushigi Kismet
She does not love everything about him.
But what she loves, she loves a great deal and what she finds to be failings within him, if she does not love them, she accepts them readily and with good grace. Let he among us who is not flawed speak and she will prove him a liar.
She does not want to love a perfect man.
He came unexpectedly, like a gust of wind through her door. They were discreet, but everyone knew - Hapans are nothing if not well-informed, and the capacities of the spy network in the capital surely exceeded any other in the galaxy. Her own quarters were as safe as she could make them - the Force permitted her an awareness of things out of place, of movements and intents - it was, she thought wryly, how she had survived more than two decades in this den of relatives and assassins. She had left a select few listening devices intact in her bedroom and made certain to give her listeners ample aural evidence of the nature of her relationship with one Jacen Solo, Jedi.
But the less demonstrative moments of intimacy were accomplished elsewhere in her quarters, for what is levitating a bed to a Jedi?
And in the quiet reserved only to themselves, they conversed softly, making love.
Five years to the Force is nothing. For her it has been a lifetime. For him, too, she thinks, it has been a lifetime, many lifetimes, lifetimes where he has concerned himself with matters wherein she has held no place. She finds him much changed, and yet, intrinsically, he has not altered. The man before her is a familiar stranger. This is a truth.
The boy she once loved left her long ago; he has not returned. This too is a truth.
What is the truth? she muses, lying in his arms. The only thing she can be sure of is herself, her love. His feelings, who he is, who he is becoming – not even the Force can tell her that.
“Beware your pride,” she warns him, as he kisses the bare expanse of her throat, and she thinks, Only for him would I leave herself so exposed, “that, of all things, is what I fear most in you. For I am no stranger to pride and well I know the consequences.”
Her pronouncement is a sobering one, and he says, “Had I the power to take that day back again-”
“You would not,” she murmurs, pressing a kiss to his lips to silence him. “That was a lesson for both of us. Neither you nor I would be who we are now without that lesson. Do not crave power, Jacen Solo, even for the sake of others.”
He shakes his head, smiles, and says, “With you as my conscience I shall not stray.”
She places her hand against his face and looks into his eyes. "I hope that it is so - for your sake most of all."
He does not answer, but says instead, "We've changed, haven't we?"
"That is a fact." She traces the remembrance of the boy in his face. "But there is no going back. This, too," she says softly, and her voice is full of love, not for the boy but for the man, "is a fact."