Bleach is Kubo Tite, Viz, Studio Pierrot, Shueisha, etc. This is a nonprofit fanwork.

Rukia Straight Up
by Fushigi Kismet



[Video start]

Urahara: Jinta, Ururu, you have your orders. Off you go. Take good footage of everyone now. We'll splice it together later. [flips fan open] I'll be waiting.



Rukia at Home

Byakuya: [Does not look happy to see the cameras and places a warning hand on the hilt of his zanpaktou. Prudently, the cameraman runs away.]

Renji: [scratches head] Well, she bathed more than the rest of us? And she was always really picky about us not touching her stuff. She was kind of girly that way but if you ever said that she'd knee you in the groin.

Ichigo: I don't know what you're talking about. There is no girl living in my closet. Nope.

Kon: 'Nee-chan ties me up sometimes but I still know what color her panties are!

Yuzu: Ichi-nii sure eats a lot these days.

Karin: Ichi-nii sure monopolizes the bathroom a lot these days.

Isshin: Sometimes I think there's a girl living in my son's closet. But if that were so I have failed in providing the full extent of my fatherly LOVE AND GUIDANCE AND WARNING HIM ABOUT THE PERILS OF UNPROTECTED UNDERAGE SEX!!! And since that CANNOT BE, I think he just talks to himself and likes to steal his sister's clothes, which is another matter altogether, but perfectly healthy for a boy his age!

Ichigo: [With his head in his hands] Okay, fine. There is a girl living in my closet.



Rukia at School

Anonymous instructor: A mediocre student, nothing special. Very disappointing for a Kuchiki. Paid attention well, however, and kept up with her schoolwork. A bit of a loner.

Anonymous classmate: I have two words for you. Card shark. Oh, sure she was miss prim and proper Kuchiki in class but at parties - man, just do NOT get near her when you've got any money on you. She will clean you out.

Renji: I dunno. We were in different classes. I guess she was doing okay.

Ichigo: She failed EVERYTHING except Japanese first semester.

Anonymous schoolmate: She'd kick you where it hurts in order to buy time to slap a demon art on you in practice. It was brutal.

Ichigo: I had to let her copy my homework. And her school persona freaks the shit out of me, man. But everyone else loves it.

Renji: She knew how to get by.



Rukia and Chappy

Ichigo: Okay, we went into a department store and she spent TWO HOURS deciding on a stuffed bunny. Then she used my credit card and bought EVERY SINGLE ONE IN THE STORE.

Renji: If I never see a goddamn bunny again-

Ichigo: She didn't do this once. Oh, no. She did this SEVEN TIMES.

Renji: We were at a festival this one time, okay? She made me stand in front a booth and toss balls into cups for THREE HOURS so she could get ALL the freakin' Chappy merchandise.

Ichigo: She sleeps with the damned things. My closet is a frickin' toy store!

Renji: [gesticulating wildly at the camera] I want to lodge a formal protest with the Female Shinigami Association. Chappy is an abomination and we ALL KNOW Rukia is funding the whole damn organization!



Rukia and Relationships

Renji: . . . shutthefuckup.

Ichigo: There is no girl living in my closet. No.

Byakuya: [grim smile]

Kon: 'Nee-san loves ME!!!

Anonymous human world classmate: Isn't she, like, totally dating Kurosaki-kun?

Ichigo: There is no girl living in my closet.



Two Words to Describe Rukia

Kon: SUPER CUTE! And wonderful! And squishy when I glomp her and-

Byakuya: Barely acceptable.

Hanatarou: Nice. Polite.

Renji/Ichigo: A bitch!



Your Real Feelings - No, Really

Renji/Ichigo: A bitch.

Renji: [Scratches his nose, embarrassed] But it wouldn't be the same without her.

Ichigo: [looks away, embarrassed] I guess it's not too bad having her around.

Hanatarou: Rukia is a very nice person!

Kon: 'Nee-chan is the BEST!!!



Any Last Words?

Anonymous Classmate: I'll get the money to you soon, okay?

Renji: Come home and visit sometime or I'll have to come and kick Kurosaki's ass.

Ichigo: What the hell are you filming this thing for, anyway? What? A project for Urahara? Oh HELL no. Give me that. [A hand covers the screen]

[Video end]



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